TUMMY TALES: A Funny Loook at Pregnancy from the Eyes of a
First Time Mom

First Trimester

You take a test and your life is changed by a plus sign.

Sometimes it is a surprise, other time it is by plan
Either way in nine months you'll have a little woman or man.

In the first trimester you may be sick and sleepy
And sometimes for no reason, uncontrollably weepy.

In college you might have paid tribute to the porcelain king
During pregnancy it can become a gross and frequent thing.

Prenatal Meds are important but as big as a horse pill
Take them at night before bed to keep from getting ill.

Drink a lot of water before each and every check up
Because each visit begins with you peeing in a cup.

Because of your growing baby, Tylenol is about all you can take.
Being safe rather than sorry is the best choice you can make.

Pregnancy hormones may give you wild dreams at night
Some are fun, wacky, intense or scary and cause fright.

Sometimes not exercising due to pregnancy is a treat
And watching your husband do all the chores is really neat.

Second Trimester
In the first 20 weeks you may be full of worry
And hormones can change your mood in a hurry.

In the second trimester you may start to feel great
But suddenly you have gained a ton of weight!

Your whole body will change as you put on each pound
Your breast grow to be gigantic, firm and round.

When you gain weight your butt and hips may spread
It happens to all of us so don't cry and hide in bed.

Doctors say twenty to thirty-five pounds you should gain
So eat healthy and exercise, and it will fall off again.

Your baby will start kicking and quickly growing in your tummy
It will let you know when something tastes yucky or yummy.

You may place your hand on your tummy to feel each and every kick
The mere thought of something wrong will be enough to make you sick.

Once your baby starts kicking it will rarely be still
Nothing makes a baby move like orange juice will.

If sleeping on your tummy is your favorite way to rest
Get over it quickly because sleeping on your left side is best.

You go in for an ultrasound to check the hearts pace
Your own heart melts when you see your baby's face.

As your tummy expands there will be new clothes to buy
Pregnancy is amazing and beautiful so smile don't cry.

In the middle of the night you might crave pickles and ice cream
Begging your husband to get it for you might make him want to scream.

Once you learn the gender of your baby woman or man
You will have the nursery decor, names and baby showers to plan.

The wonderful compliments, well wishes and gifts you receive
Will be more thoughtful and amazing that you could ever believe.

Pamper yourself with a pedicure, manicure and a warm bath as a treat
But keep the water warm not hot or your baby will overheat.

Some people think sex is awkward and not as much fun
It will just be a little different because of carrying your little one.

Sometimes water will be the only thing you desire
It will be the one thing to help your heartburn fire.

Around 28 weeks you will take the glucose test
If given a choice on flavors, the orange tastes the best.

Third Trimester

As the third trimester progresses, your anxiety may heighten
Childbirth is almost here, but there is not reason to be frightened.

There are a few things to do in order to prepare for the big day
Wash blankets, clothes and get organized in every way.

Make sure to have them at home and at each of the grammies.

Dads think that sleeping gowns on their sons don't look right
But they are great for changing diapers in the middle of the night.

When packing for the hospital there are a few things you might need
But you probably wont need everything you will read.

You might so tired and happy that you just don't care
But it's nice to have deodorant, shampoo and a brush for your hair.

You will want comfy clothes for you and your bundle of joy
A few blankets, a hat and socks for your little girl or boy.

Your new diaper bag may come in a colored pattern, cotton or tweed
Just make certain it has room for the million things you will need.

Diapers, wipes, clothes and "pacis" will fill your diaper bag
Plus bibs, bottles, toys, medicine and a burp rag.

Orajel and teething tablets in your diaper bag will be a must keep
When your child starts teething neither of you will get much sleep.

Always have extra clothes for your baby and for you
It isn't pleasant smelling like spit up or baby poo.

Foods to avoid in pregnancy include sushi, alcohol and brie cheese
After labor you may want to say, "get me a big margarita please!"

Wearing super cute boots, sandals and heels can be a no-no
Because your center of balance will change as your uterus begins to grow.

You might out your dirty glass in your purse and your keys in the sink
Forgetfulness is common in pregnancy so don't worry about what others think.

During pregnancy you have lush hair and a maternal glow
This is one of the most amazing times your body will ever know.

While you are pregnant please don't smoke or drink
They can do more damage to your little one than you think.

When the doctor starts to check to see if you are dilated
Your big belly makes it uncomfortable and you may feel violated.

Don't worry if your dilation progress each week is slow
Your baby is just comfortable and is taking extra time to grow.

Don't worry much about your water breaking at the mall
It could be a gush of water, or a trickle of not much at all.

When your contractions start coming, wait until they are five minutes apart
You will know it is time when you feel it deep in your heart.

When you get to the hospital stay calm and nice
Because your attitude can make your nurses be like sugar or spice.

Epidural and pain meds depend on what you want to do
But I would definitely take the easier way if I were you.

Once labor starts your body leaks and does things you didn't know it could
On second thought...it will do things that you hoped it never would.

If the doctor breaks your water it will leak onto the sheet
But the nurse will clean it up before you and baby meet.

There is one thing that most women worry about in labor too
And that is pushing so hard that you accidentally go poo.

Don't worry about it if it happens and you make a mess
After your baby is born you will really care less.

The contractions will come quickly and may cause pain
Just keeping thinking about the love you are about to gain.

If you think you are a modest woman, be prepared not to be
During labor your "stuff" is on display for everyone to see.

If your baby is large your doctor may cut you down "there"
The cut will be much better than a painful tear.

Birth and Beyond

You push and push and push until you see your baby emerge
The memories of pain and gross fluids your brain will eventually purge.

Your baby is then laid up close to you on your chest
The bond you immediately feel is nothing short of being the best.

When your baby's gaze meets yours and it hears your voice
You know the gift of life is the ultimate gift and choice.

You may freak out as the doctor does the apgar test
Don't worry, they do it every day and they know what is best.

You may or may not circumcise due to your religious belief
Just having a healthy baby boy is a wonderful relief.

If you decide to breastfeed you will be put to a test
To teach your child to properly latch onto your breast.

One thing after childbirth that no woman wants or needs
Is that 10 day to 6 week heavy vaginal bleed.

After labor your baby is in diapers and you will be too
To catch all of that wonderful after pregnancy goo.

While you are in the hospital try to get lots of rest
At home, functioning on lack of sleep is put to the test.

Right after labor you are left with a saggy belly
Laugh hard and it will jiggle like a bowl of jelly.

The nurses will push on your tummy to make sure everything is out
Your tummy is sore and tired so it makes you want to shout!

Don't worry about your husband thinking you no longer look great
You just gave birth to his child so he loves that extra weight.

Afterwards it is sometimes difficult to go poo
So definitely take the medicine the doctor gives to you.

You might have stretch marks on your belly, thighs, and ass
But don't worry, with time the redness will pass.

If your baby cries your breast may leak milk quick
Sometimes it is a little bit, whereas others it's thick.

Post Partum depression may be something that you go through
So make sure to have friends and family near to support you.

When you get home everything for the two of you will be new
But even if you screw up, your baby will still love you.

Don't freak out if you think you did something wrong
Motherhood is new and you will learn as you go along.

Your family and friends will often try to tell you what to do
Listen to your maternal instinct and do what is right for you.

You will be so exhausted and you really need some sleep
But your mommy instinct will keep you awake to hear every baby peep.

So when your baby takes a nap you really should too
I know it will be hard when there is so much to do.

If you breastfeed your nipples will be at first sore to the touch
But you really won't care because you love your child so much.

Breastfeeding might make your nipples crack and bleed
So nipple creams will be something you definitely need.

When you start to wean from breastfeeding it may be hard to let go
Because as a mother it is a bond that only you and your child know.

Brushing your teeth and taking showers are a luxury from your past
If you get to do them now you better do them fast!

Your baby's first poops are really black and thick
Get ready mom, most of the time the poop makes daddy sick.

You may even see your husband gravel, plead and beg
To not clean up the poop creeping down your babies leg.

One thing that can be gross and expensive is a baby diaper rash
Keep your baby clean or the creams will cost you a lot of cash.

When changing a little boy, quickly cover the "wee-wee"
If you don't, you might end up with a face full of "pee-pee".

Diapers start to look like the baby food they eat
Cleaning up a green pea diaper isn't necessarily a treat.

Never leave your baby alone on the changing table, couch or bed
It could cause a very serious injury to little ones head.

Temperature is taking easier in the rear
So lube it up, smile and stick it in without fear.

To prevent SIDS, laying your baby on its back is best
Each night your maternal paranoia is put to the test.

Some people are against using a blanket swaddled tight
if you don't swaddle, get used to very little sleep at night.

You can bathe your baby in the tub or even in the sink
Either location will be more fun that you could ever think!

When giving a bath beware of water in the ears
And buy baby shampoo that doesn't cause tears.

Baby nails grow at a quick pace
Keep them short so they don't scratch their little face.

Making, Cleaning and warming bottles requires an assembly line.

Make sure you take a pacifier for your child wherever you go
Keep them clean and sanitized so bacteria and germs don't grow.

Being quiet while your baby sleeps is a big mistake
Because then the tiniest noise they hear will make them wake.

Your heart will break when they get shots and cry
Especially when they look up at you like, "mommy why?"

Sometimes is takes a while to find the right pediatrician
They need to be knowledgeable and have tricks like a magician.

Crying and pulling at the ears raises the question
Does my little angel have an ear infection?

Little colds and ear infections may happen a lot to your baby
The constant doctor visits and worry might make you a little crazy.

Carrying your baby in its car seat can tone your arms faster
Be careful in stores, swinging it can cause a messy disaster.

Sending our a birth announcement to brag can be so much fun
There are so many excellent choices it is hard to choose just one!

You love your baby so much you want it attached to your hip
Be careful of the wobbly, unstable head, because it might bust your lip.

Activity mats will help your children learn to roll front to back
And when it comes to road trips to grandmas they are easy to pack.

When your baby has bad gas it will scream and yelp
Holding, burping and bouncing on your knee might help.

If you have pets let them love on your child
They will protect him/her from others, tame and/or wild.

Chest carriers and slings are great for going to the zoo or the mall
Its comforting to know you can move your hands freely and your baby won't fall.

It is so amazing when your baby shows you it's first smile
It will leave you feeling warm and fuzzy for more than just a while.

They smile and giggle when you play hide and seek
It's a game you now want to play all day and all week.

Cherish each and every boggery and slobbery kiss
As they grow up it will be one thing you will surely miss.

If your child has a special blanket or lovee always buy two
Because if you lost one then what the heck would you do?

When it comes to education start out right
By reading to your child each and every night.

Put all your extra change in a piggy bank for school
They think the jingling change sound is really cool.

Take your child to see Santa and the Easter Bunny
Those pictures are important and often times funny.

Instead of one bag for a weekend trip you now need about eight
For diapers, wipes, food, toys, crib and a baby gate.

One day your child will decide to take off and crawl
So make sure to block the stairs and all the outlets in the wall.

The choice of baby formula will be up to you
Most come in powder, liquid and travel packs too.

As  your child grows there will be lots of toys and noise
Getting you ready for slumber parties of little girls or boys

Storing your child's outgrown clothes can sometimes be sad
Just remember the memories that all those clothes had.

Use the baby book to write down each and every milestone
So you can look back and reminisce when you child is full grown.

A digital camera is something that you will always want to pack
Catch every "first" you can because you can't get those back.

Pregnancy Complaints

With pregnancy there are many issues and complaints
And sometimes discomfort and physical restraint.

You might have stretching, soreness and an occasional spot
Acne, bloating, heartburn and sweating because you are hot.

You can be tired, dizzy, swollen and constantly have to pee
Have headaches, cravings, rashes and always be thirty.

Constipation, discharge and skin with a horrible itch
These crazy symptoms can make any woman a witch.

After all this, when the 40 weeks is through
Each and every moment will have been worth it for you.

Every woman's pregnancy is different in many ways
So sit back, relax and enjoy each and every day.

Congratulations on your bundle of joy!

All rights reserved © 2008 Jessica Chamberlain